The other day I told my Dad that I was anxious for us to spend some time together that feels "normal". The kind of "normal" that resembles the way things were before Mom died. I'm not sure we'll ever be able to re-visit that "normal" again. Instead, we will continue this journey that we started on Oct. 24th of rediscovering a new "normal".
Last night I had a dream. Vivid. I dreamed that Mom was alive again. She and Dad were stitting in our family room. Mom was wearing a light blue shirt. She looked beautiful & very huggable. Dad's face was glowing. He was so happy. It was spring time. There was no snow or cold, yet it wasn't too hot. It was just...refreshing. In fact, we were watching the weather radar on TV. There was a spring storm coming in. We were watching to see if we were going to get it. (Something very "normal" that we used to do. Our family loves to watch the weather.)
My mind was trying to sort out how Mom could possibly be there in my family room. I wavered back and forth from confusion to sheer happiness and joy. I even told her, "Mom, I saw how the funeral directors took care of you. They put you in the casket and everything. I guess God must have just brought you back somehow."
Despite my happiness, I could see that Mom was burdened. She was so glad to be with her family, but she was sick again now that she was back on earth. Clearly, her illnesses were taking a toll on her...just as they used too. I remember asking God about this in my dream. He told me that my old "normal" did indeed have it's challenges.
I had to leave them. I had to drive somewhere. In the car, I was looking up into the sun just rejoicing and thanking God for giving me my Mom back. I knew I didn't have a clue how long I would have her for, but I was so thankful even for just that one visit.
Then I woke up.
I've thought about this dream all day. All day, I've had a huge lump in my throat.
I'm glad my Mom isn't burdened anymore. Her new "normal" is something I can't fathom. Her joy must be indescribable.
It's just that she looked so pretty in that light blue shirt...pretty and huggable.
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4 comments:
Kelly, I just want you to know how much your writing reflects your love for your Lord. I'm sitting here reading your words, feeling more and more like when I am finished, I want to go straight to my Bible and get to know the God that you know. The God that I know is good and kind, but I have drifted from the closeness with Him that you have. You've reminded me of what I'm missing! Thanks for sharing your heart here--even the hurting parts--and for allowing us all to see what it looks like to really love Him!
Hang in there,
Maria
Maria,
You have to know that what you're seeing is not of my doing. What you're seeing is simply a cracked and broken heart that's only being held together by the strong hands of it's Maker.
When Jesus said "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted", He meant it.
I've been running to Him with little to offer and little to give, but been ok with that.
He just meets us where we are, Maria. He meets us and pours out His grace.
It really is amazing.
I meant to say that "HE'S been ok with that."
PS.
It was so nice to hear from you!
Hey Kelly! I found your blog while looking at Josh and Jamie's! I began reading through all of your blogs.....clear up until I found this blog and I can't even begin to tell you how much I hurt with you. Man....when I read about your dream....I was thanking God that I am not the only one who dreams about my parent coming back! I often have dreams of dad coming back.....it is such an exciting thing....but the HARDEST days follow. To feel so real while you sleep and then wake up....and none of it is true. Such a hard thing.....but, God is sooo faithful. He has redeemed my pain in so many ways. You are right about having a new "normal". There are times I just YEARN for the old "normal"....to have our family back again.....to see my dad.....to see my grandpa. But.....ONE DAY WE WILL and I CAN'T WAIT!!! It will be awesome, girl! Praying for you and your dad. Please tell him hi for me! Love ya! Tammy Landis Tropf
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