One year

One year ago today...about this time...my mom slipped into heaven.

My heart has been really heavy all week. It feels like the tears have flowed more than they haven't.

Then, this morning, I woke up to an incredible peace. Even as I lay in bed this morning reliving the events of that tragic day in my mind...both the ones I was present for and the ones I wasn't...I felt a quiet peace.

All week, I've felt a need to write, but I haven't been sure of what exactly I wanted to say.

A big part of me wants to relive the details that never seem to be far from my mind. I want to record everything from my last conversation with Mom to the way my Dad and I just laid in their bed that night...holding each other...crying...talking...trying to breathe around the pain...and praying Jesus would choose that moment to come back.

Even if I never speak of these things again, I know I'll never forget them. It appears that's not what I need to write about today after all.

Instead, I want to talk about this peace I woke up with. So amazing...it far "passes all understanding."

It's just another example of how God has held me tight this year.

He has been so good...so faithful...so loving. He has lived up to His claim of being the God of all comfort. Jesus said that those who mourn are blessed because they will find comfort. I can't begin to tell you how true this is. Hear me when I say this: There has not been a single time I have mourned over the past 365 days that God hasn't provided some form of comfort. Sometimes the comfort has been through a random hug. Other times it's been through my husband, daughter or other family members. Many times it's been through the healing of shed tears. Often it's been through the quiet peace I feel today.

I'm so thankful for the loving God I serve. I'm so thankful for His hand in my life. I'm so thankful for the hope I have in Him.

Because of this hope, I can celebrate with my Mom that she's spent a whole year in Heaven. I am looking forward to the day I see her again, and I can relish that this crazy world is only temporary. I'm so thankful for her heart that loved God.

I don't know if it's this way for every person, but grieving has made me intensely long for heaven. Since October 24th, 2007, I've read a couple of books on the subject. While my heart aches for Jesus to come back and just take us all home, I also realize that each day we are here is a day that God has a purpose for us. I think for me, my heart is beating all the more intensely for the salvation of unsaved family members. I ache and pray fervently that they come to know Christ. I don't want them to miss out. I've done some studying lately. While I know there are different views surrounding this subject, I personally don't feel this crazy world has much longer before Christ returns. This makes me excited, but it makes my heart ache all the more for these family members.

All this to say, I'm just so thankful for the hope I have in eternity. Whether God takes me tomorrow or in 80 years, I'm so thankful I know where I'll be. I would be so lost without Him. What a great and good God He is.

Yesterday, I went for another ultrasound of our almost 10 week old baby. There is a situation that the doctor has been monitoring. He says to not be too concerned at this point, but it's just something we need to keep an eye on. It has the potential to lead to a miscarriage, but he doesn't think we are at that point yet. We have another ultrasound on Nov. 10th.

Needless to say, no mother ever wants to hear these words. ESPECIALLY not during a week she's also grieving hard over her own mother. The thought of losing this baby that I love so much and take such delight in just moves me to no words.

And yet... I woke up this morning with incredible peace.

Last night, Aaron and I prayed over the baby. As we pleaded for God to protect it, we also gave it back to Him. I always *knew* that there was no better place to put a worry, concern or loved one than in God's hands. After October 24th, 2007...I can say that I believe it more than ever.

Please don't misunderstand...I'm still going to have moments of fear and anxiousness. I honestly don't think I have the energy to grieve again so soon and so hard. I can't imagine it all...

I just know that no matter what happens...I'll be okay eventually. Because the same God that has proven himself over and over will take care of us again. I really do know that there is no better place for my baby or I to be than in His hands.

So...maybe this is all aimless babble. I don't know. What I do know is that I just want to say thank you to my God for loving me so much and being so real. I'm thankful for how He has put up with my moments of weak faith and doubt. I'm thankful for how He's always been there and has never left my side for a minute. I really do love Him so much.

How I spent my Friday afternoon...

It was sooo cool. I LOVE Sarah Palin. :) :) :) :)

In Love...

I am in love.

We had an ultrasound today. We saw our little 6 week baby and heard its beating heart.

I cried.

Seeing the baby made the pregnancy feel so much more real. I've been feeling so good that it's been hard to comprehend at times that I'm actually carrying a baby...


...but I am. It's really there. I love it more than ever.